with Special Guest Tina J. Smith, Author of Renewing Our Minds in Love: Integrating Neuroscience and Scripture for Wholeness and Healing
How can you connect with your children so they feel seen, heard, and understood? How can you create a safe and accepting place in your home or classroom for your children and students to be themselves?
What non-verbal expressions of posture and visual cues do your children send to tell you they are hurting, are lonely, or feel like no one understands them?
How is our brain wired by fear-based responses and how does our body hold trauma?
My special guest, Tina J. Smith, author of Renewing Our Minds in Love: Integrating Neuroscience and Scripture for Wholeness and Healing, answers all of these questions and more on this episode of the Renewed Mama Podcast.
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Tina J. Smith is a Registered Social Worker specializing in trauma and attachment treatment for children, youth, and adults.
She counsels families with teenage struggles, suicidal ideation and attempted suicides, grief from the loss of a child, trauma, concerns about child functioning at home or school, communication difficulties within families, blended family concerns, and generational conflict between families.
She provides individual, marriage, and family counselling and helps with relationships with in-laws.
Tina specializes in trauma-based psychotherapy where she has helped individuals suffering with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from negative events or abuse, working as a first responder, and religious-based trauma.
Tina passionately believes that healing is possible. Hope is possible.
CONNECT WITH YOUR KIDS SAYING I LOVE YOU WITH YOUR WORDS AND ACTIONS
Kimberly: If we tell our children I love you, but shout, lose our patience, and shame them, does that hurt our connection with our children? Motherhood means balancing the kids, housework, meal prep, work, homeschooling, and perhaps a side hustle. I’ll be the first to say that with balancing all of that, I don’t often think about whether my words and behaviors are congruent or in harmony with an emphasis on love. But I know that if we say You are loved to our children, we should follow this with demonstrations of love. How do we harm our children if our words You are loved don’t align with our actions?
Tina: Kids are emotionally based and sensory-oriented. They observe the world through their senses rather than sit there and logically create answers to things. Kids do not go around and narrate things like I don’t feel loved. I’m not worthy. My mom makes me feel like I’m not good enough. However, every mama must remember that kids are watching and paying attention. When they feel or see something incongruent, they internalize their experiences in their environment.
WHEN AN INCONGRUENT MESSAGE HAPPENS
Tina: The incongruency starts with one thing. If you as a mom say things like, I love you, honey, but you’re negative about yourself saying things like, I’m so bad at this. Or you look at the mirror and say, I wish I looked different. I wish my clothes didn’t fit like this. I wish I wasn’t overweight. That’s a lot of negative statements they feel and observe. When mom doesn’t love herself, but says, O honey, I’m so proud of you. Something is incongruent. So connect better with your kids by starting with yourself as a mom.
The second part to saying I love you. I’m so proud of you is ending with BUT. I love you, but you could…… What the child hears is not the I’m proud of you, rather you just want me to be different. If you say, I’m proud of you, tell them why you are proud. Tell them why you love them based on their character not just what they achieve or how they behave.
Kimberly: Wow! That’s awesome. I had no idea that you would take us to the place of making sure that we love and speak well about ourselves as a way to better connect with our children.
Dear Mama, I encourage you to read these Blogs for more about loving and speaking well about yourself.
Who is God and What Does He Say About Me?
IT’S NOT ALL I LOVE YOU AND NO DISCIPLINE AND INSTRUCTION
Kimberly: I love that we can say I love you to our kids with no BUTS, just hugging and honoring them for who they are. But what if we have something that needs to be corrected or taught? I use the sandwich method of edifying, suggesting something to work on, and then edifying. Is that a mistake? Or does that still work and is that still congruent with showing love while calling them up to something more?
Tina: Absolutely. We can’t avoid giving our children correction. It is our role as a leader. Lovingly give corrections by having positive bookends with feedback in the middle. Remember that children need a strategy or a practical way to walk out the feedback we give.
Let’s use cleaning their rooms as an example. Parents say, “Clean your room,” but two hours later, they come back to check the room and it isn’t cleaned up. Maybe everything is under the bed because out of sight, out of mind is their child’s concept of clean. The parent could say, “Thank you for trying. I appreciate you cleaning your room because you did what you were asked. May I give you feedback? Clean looks like this.”
Or say, “I appreciate your time and commitment to cleaning your room. Do you need my help? Is this something we can do together?” Offering to do the task together is such a key point. We give a lot of instructions and to-do’s, but we forget that often kids are a lot more responsive when we say, “How may I help you with that?”
CONNECT WITH YOUR KIDS BY CREATING A SAFE PLACE AT HOME FOR YOUR KIDS
Kimberly: Let’s talk about perceptions and judgments of other people thinking that we know who they are based on their behavior. You said in your book (page 90), “Perceptions and judgments cause harm when we assume that we know other people based on their behaviors and external attributes. People rarely show their vulnerabilities in full view.” How can we create a safe atmosphere in our homes where our children can be vulnerable and themselves?
Tina: We have to understand that our child’s behavior gives us a window into what’s unseen. Their behavior is the way they communicate what’s happening on the inside. We have to pause and consider that information rather than take it personally. Step back and remember that their response means that something is going on inside. You may have just walked into the room and asked a simple question, and got an uncalled-for response. Pause and consider what is happening in your child’s life today.
Creating a safe place at home for your kids also means being compassionate about your childhood story. Consider how you were raised by your mom and dad. Let’s say a little girl has a parent who invalidated her story and experiences and was harsh or critical. Her emotions may not have always been accurate, but there has to be a level of validation and acceptance for a child’s emotions. What that little girl grows up to learn is that it is not safe to have emotions. She must do something with these emotions. Either push them down and suppress them or be aggressive so she feels bigger and mightier. She may make sure her parents hear but then she gets punished because she is out of control. This cycle continues even after she is a parent herself.
WHEN SAFETY AND VULNERABILITY OCCUR IN YOUR HOME
Tina: Therefore, safety and vulnerability in your homes come when you first accept that it’s OK to have a story. It may be a hard, sad story that you haven’t worked on or even know you should work on. You assume it’s in the past and that’s where it’ll stay. However, when your child responds in a way that triggers you, it may feel like you’ve been kicked. You snap even though you know you still have to be the parent with self-control. That’s why I want parents to have compassion for themselves. When you get triggered, name that trigger for yourself first so that you show up for your child with patience and self-control.
Safety and vulnerability also come with giving space, especially for teenagers. We let teenagers develop that independence while showing up, checking in, giving them space to come, and responding. As we create this safe place, we can say, “It’s not OK to roll your eyes, scream, or do these things. There will be a consequence.”
A younger child needs a mom to sit with them. If a young child is screaming and crying, do not leave them by themselves. Safety and vulnerability occur in a home when a parent continues to maintain physical proximity and stays with the child until the outburst or tantrum subsides. We don’t order kids to their bedrooms and say, “Stay in your room. I don’t want to see you until you stop crying.”
VALIDATED EMOTIONS WITH BOUNDARIES AND DISCIPLINE
Tina: It’s like letting the tide go. The waves come in, and eventually, the tide goes out. And then when the tide goes out, that’s when the behavior subsides and you can have a conversation. If discipline is needed, then that happens at that point. But we have to wait. So safety is validating emotion, showing up for your kid as much as you can, and not leaving them in isolation.
You validate their emotions but still establish boundaries and discipline. Kids need both in the context of love and relationship.
Kimberly: This is so good. With all my children, when an outburst or temper tantrum arose, I just held them close. I hugged them and whispered “Peace” in their ear until I physically felt them melt. Then their heart was ripe for teaching, “This is how we can behave. Let’s try it again this way.”
OUR BRAINS FUNCTION IN THE SAME WAY BUT TAKE IN INFORMATION DIFFERENTLY
Tina: Recognize that our brains, adults and children, function in the same way, but how we take in information is different based on our age. Our brain goes into survival mode quickly. If your child feels overwhelmed and stressed and your facial expression is activating this, your child can’t help but go into survival mode. It is the function of their brain. Cortisone gets excreted, adrenaline starts pumping, and the brain’s amygdala goes off as an alarm. Fight, flight, freeze kicks in and children act in ways they wouldn’t when their brain is neutral and calm and their nervous system has been supported by relationships. When parents speak at a heightened level, a child’s brain actually cannot take in information. They shut down which is why we get no response from them and feel like we are wasting our breath.
Children don’t want to disappoint a parent. They want their parents to be happy even when they might not have done life well today. They still want to see Mom smile at them.
CONNECT WITH YOUR KIDS BY HELPING THEM FEEL SEEN, HEARD, AND UNDERSTOOD
Kimberly: You said in your book (pages 108-109) that “Your heart breaks when people say no one asks how I was doing, no one came to see me.” People want to be heard and understood. That really speaks to me because Speak Life Badges sticker awards are all about helping children feel seen, heard, and celebrated for who they are.
So please give us two or three things that we can do to help our children feel seen, heard, and understood without judgment because, as you say in your book, that’s when we truly love others.
Tina: Take an interest in the activities that your children like. Show up in the way your child shows up. This could be playing a video or board game with them even though you think, “O, my! I don’t want to play that board game.” If you play with them, your child receives that as “Mom wants to be with me.”
Children also feel seen and heard when you go up to their bedroom, knock on their door, and say, “Hey, just wanted to come and see you. I just wanted to check-in. Are you OK?” Don’t yell at the bottom of the stairs asking them to come downstairs. Be intentional and go to their room.
Enter into your child’s space to experience their world and how they experience it. We need to go to them. This does not create spoiled children. Relationship cannot spoil children, materialism does. Your child is crying, you hold them. If your baby is crying, hold them. This creates a healthy functioning child who becomes a healthy functioning adult. A child feels seen when we show up.
CONNECT WITH YOUR KIDS BY UNDERSTANDING NON-VERBAL EXPRESSIONS CHILDREN MAKE
Kimberly: Sometimes when people share their stories with you, you said their nervous system is twisted so tightly that their body aches, their breathing is shallow, and their heart races. You can see the pain in their faces that speaks without words. (Tina’s book, page 38). You talked earlier about the stories we carry, and how those stories are held in nonverbal expressions of posture and visual cues that often go unseen. Those visual cues are like windows that create an opportunity to engage with hurting people who feel no one understands them.
I would love to understand better some of those nonverbal expressions of body and visual cues that our children, even our spouses and friends make. Tell us those cues and how to respond in ways that show care.
Tina: We can respond with care when we are more aware of people and our surroundings. Pause and observe how people interact. Those who have not felt seen or safe store their stories in their bodies. Over time their nervous system and brain, depending on how often it has been activated, can become hyper-aroused showing up as anxiety, panic attacks, and overwhelm. If the nervous system and brain are hypo-aroused, that shows up as living at the bottom, sluggish, and depressed. There is a sense of soreness.
VISUAL AND NON-VERBAL CUES
Tina: One visual cue to a person’s story is eye contact. Those who carry shame do not make eye contact. They look away or down. Another visual cue is body posture. Their head is down or their back is curved or bent. They may walk hunched over or sit in a chair hunched over as if enclosing themself.
Non-verbal expressions are another cue to help us respond with care. Someone may be neutral or despondent with no excitement. Aggression or big, bold strong behaviors are another cue that demonstrates a survival expression. If a child is aggressive, their aggression says My world is not safe and the only way I know to keep my world safe is to keep people at a distance rather than close to me. While they don’t articulate it, they will be angry and aggressive because it keeps people away from them.
Everything we see with our eyes and hear with our ears is the brain’s strategy to keep a person safe, even for babies when they cry. When a baby cries and cries, and doesn’t get picked up, their brain eventually moves into a level of complacency because they get flooded. So they stop crying because they don’t have a safe, secure parent to hold them to ensure their safety. What happens is their brain finds another level of safety and stops crying because they become numb to their feelings.
HOW TO RESPOND TO THE VERBAL AND NON-VERBAL CUES YOUR CHILDREN GIVE
Tina: When you see these physical and verbal cues, take baby steps of engagement to help them open up and feel safe again. Pushing or moving too fast can heighten their aggression or their silence. As you nurture the relationship, you will begin to see their eyes look up. They may start answering a question by giving one-word answers which means Don’t go too fast for me. This is too scary. But all of a sudden, they begin to share more words because their brain says This person is safe for me. I can open up more. For some kids, it takes a long time to get to that place.
CONNECT WITH YOUR KIDS WITH HOW THE BRAIN IS WIRED BY FEAR-BASED RESPONSES
Kimberly: Let’s talk for a minute about the brain. I love how you told us how the brain operates based on the stories we carry. I’m intrigued with how the brain is wired by fear-based responses. Would you tell us more about that and how to help our children out of the fear-based responses?
Tina: Our brain doesn’t just one day say, I’m going to be wired to fear. I’m going to have a ton of anxiety. Most people don’t know that anxiety is actually fear in the brain. If you open up the brain, you can see the brain is fear-activated. It is operating at a heightened fear-based state which feels like anxiety. It’s the nervous system’s response to fear.
So we then have to ask, Why is the brain heightened? We can’t unlock something and bring healing if we don’t know the why. What is happening in my child’s life? What information have my children taken in that activated this fear? Asking these questions keeps us in a place of curiosity. Let’s be curious about our kids’ stories, not from blame or judgment, but from a place of compassion.
MAKE A TIMELINE OF YOUR CHILD’S LIFE
Tina: Make a timeline of your child’s life on a piece of paper. Put a line down the middle and put a positive sign at the top and a negative symbol at the bottom. Then go from the day you found out you were pregnant, morning sickness, any stresses or if the pregnancy wasn’t great. That goes on their timeline because it has an impact on a baby in utero. If the birth was really hard, that goes on the timeline. Maybe in the midst of that, you decide to go on vacation and you have the most beautiful trip to Disney World. This goes on the positive side. Anything stressful or traumatic goes on the negative side and anything wonderful goes on the top as positive. Things like the loss of an animal, a car accident, a close relative or friend dying, a big move happening, and being bullied could be on the timeline and at the root of the fear.
The goal of the timeline is to track all of the stages of development so that when fear rises up, you can get to the root of the fear. You can see a series of things that have occurred over your child’s life. We were not designed to live in fear. Fear is to be activated to keep us safe and then it’s supposed to be released. It is a gift from God and His design to keep us safe. We are not to live in a state of fear. With this timeline, you can get to the cause of the fear and bring healing to your child’s story.
WHEN TO REACH OUT FOR HELP
Kimberly: You have already talked with us, Tina, about looking at ourselves as moms, our identity, and how we feel about ourselves. In your book (page 162), you challenge us to start with ourselves and extend love as we begin our healing journey. And you tell us to look in the mirror to determine the messages that we perceive, believe and speak over ourselves. On the Renewed Mama Podcast, we’re always talking about paying attention to what we think and say and how we respond along with what we believe. But you and I both know that we get a lot further in healing and understanding our stories when we get help rather than trying to figure it out on our own.
Tell us what we can do on our own and then tell the signs for when we need to step out and ask for help.
THE BENEFIT OF JOURNALING FOR HEALING
Tina: I am a big believer in journaling. As moms, we always have so much going on. We’re the calendar holder managing everyone’s schedules. There are meals, grocery shopping, all of this stuff on the go. We’re just going from one thing to the next until we sit down at the end of the day and feel the heaviness. Why do I have this heaviness? You wonder. You replay your day, how you went here and there and got things checked off your to-do list.
This is reflecting on your achievements. It’s not a bad thing, but what you are doing is creating your identity in your checklist. We go to sleep, get up, and do it all over again like the replay of a broken record. Heaviness sets in and the same thoughts, words, and responses replay as we do all the things.
SLOW DOWN WITH JOURNALING
Tina: Journaling allows us to slow down at the end of the day and write. What is the feeling I’m having? If we could let our body speak for us, what would our body tell us? If my heart could speak right now as I sit here in my chair, my kids are in bed, and I’m just feeling this heaviness, what would your heart say?
My heart might say, I feel like I failed today. I feel like I didn’t get everything done I was supposed to. I failed my kids because I didn’t show up. We can’t change something until we acknowledge what it is we’re telling ourselves, and journaling is one of the most powerful ways to get it out on paper.
Journal the questions: Have I felt this feeling for a long time? Do I always feel like I fail? Or does it feel like a recent thing? Oftentimes, a memory from your childhood will come back to you. Such as when you felt like you failed at five years old and that same feeling comes back as you journal. As a little girl, you thought I will never fail like this again, and since then you have been trying to compensate with a to-do list. Your identity is now on your to-do list. The more you try to achieve, the more you try to do.
FIND HEALING INSIDE OF RELATIONSHIP
Tina: It is hard to get unstuck on our own because we become hurt when someone hurts us. We don’t ever live in a place of hurt or brokenness outside of human relationships.
If you experience something like a house fire or a tornado, those experiences are an event and people don’t hold them. It might be traumatic, but you can work through it. But the things that people really get stuck on are when another human hurts them even if it’s unintentional. If you are a mom who journals, you have done a timeline for my life, and you recognize: I have been trying to work through this on my own and I’m really stuck. That is the time you need to reach out and get help. You get broken in a relationship, and you can only heal in a relationship. What you need is another human in a relationship who values you, shows expressions of love, and makes you feel seen and heard. You are not meant to walk your story by yourself. God designed you to be in a relationship with people.
Kimberly: I pray this conversation with Tina J. Smith encourages you. If you need support, reach out to Tina and her amazing team at T. J. Smith and Associates.
